Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown