I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Please, please me
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
You make my heart skip a beet.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist