One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.