"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Man is Fatally Slain.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
Hey summer, long time no sea!
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.