What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
“Monday should be optional.”
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
I’m feelin’ pine.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.