Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
Case in punt
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
It's ice to meet you.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.