My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.

What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!

What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.

What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.

Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.

"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.

What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.

“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam

Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!

There's nothing humble about my warrior.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.

What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!

It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.

What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.

Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.

Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.

From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun

“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson

Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.

What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.

What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.

Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!

Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.

How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.

Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!

What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"

How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!

What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.

“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”

- Louise Bates Ames.

I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.

What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.

A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.

On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.

My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”

Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!

How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"

“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous

As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.