If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser