What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
I find my core strength in you.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.