The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.
"You bake me crazy."
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.