“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
I have a heart-on for you.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
No, I prefer Google.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
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What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.