What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
All things must grass.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.