The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
Dublin over in laughter.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.