Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
I think, therefore I’m single.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.