I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
You snooze. You booze.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
One more thyme.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby