Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
Car puns are really tiring
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
Dialysis is a blood bath.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!