(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
You are the object of my preposition.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll