My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.