How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).