Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?