Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
In on the ground flora.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
More candles means a bigger wish!
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.