I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.