Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
One trick peony.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
Give me your number so I can make the call.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.