“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.
You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer
You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.
But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.
I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Can I hold your hand?
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
My love for you is like no otter.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
Fall is a-maize-ing.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
You make me want to Twist and Shout
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.