You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
Wanna churn butter with me?
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!