“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.

I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.

What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.

Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.

You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.

A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.

A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.

What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.

What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.

My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.

The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!

Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin

Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.

What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"

I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”

I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.

What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

Windmills? I’m a huge fan!

I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.

I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.

After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."

What is the result of an art competition? A draw.

How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.

Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky

You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.

I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.

I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.

What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck

Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred

What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.

What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.

What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!

My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision

What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.

What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.

What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.

What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!