Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Lazy bones."
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson