Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Cutest clover in the patch.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
You looked better when I was drunk.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.