I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.

Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.

"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."

What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.

There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.

“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson

With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.

Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?

"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."

The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”

On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?

“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”

What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.

What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.

My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.

Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?

Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.

What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.

Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw

I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.

You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.

I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.

On the other hand, you don't.

It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.

What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.

Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.

What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.

Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.

Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.

National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.

What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.

Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.

What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.

What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.

“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden

What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.

Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.

What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.

God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.

Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque

Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.

It’s a winterful day!

What is a car’s favourite bug?

A beetle.

What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.