What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.