What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
You're quite the catch, baby.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Get in the swim this summer.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.