“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.