I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
You better beer-live it!
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
"I'm eggs-hausted."
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.