What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
"I lava you."
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.