I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.