Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
I less than three you.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.