Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
You mermake me happy.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Rudder valve reversals