My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Whatever coats your boat.
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar