Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
You make miso happy.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
It’s a winterful day!
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.