Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
I think you're mer-mazing.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
"What an egg-citing day."
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”