My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Nice Ass-teroid.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.