If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
I think we need to become better strangers.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
This foundation is rock salad.
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
The weather outside is snow joke.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!