What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Car puns are really tiring
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.