What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
You are shrimply the best!