Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”