What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
"You make me egg-static."
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.