What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Are you a model?
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
Get clover it, babe.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Whatever floats your goat.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Beach you to it.
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.