How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown