Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
I'm pine-ing for you.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.