If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
Can I claim your baggage?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!