The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
"No eggs-cuses."
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Don’t go bacon my heart.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”