What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.