Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
"Read between the wines."
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
"Happy eggster."
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.