How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.

Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.

I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.

“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous

“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp

We are perfect balance for each other.

Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!

You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.

What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”

You're my missing ingredient.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!

Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.

What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.

How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.

What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.

Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.

When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.

"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko

Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?

To keep each udder dry.

Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.

The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.

- Randy Johnson

What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.

What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!

My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns

One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.

Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.

“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”

- Alyson Hannigan.

The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.

Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!

I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?

Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.

How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.

What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.

The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!

For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.

Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.

I like long runs on the beach.

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”

- Marshall McLuhan.

Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.

What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”