Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
You mermake me happy.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.