We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Want to become my new personal best?
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
I think you’re dandelion.
I goat this.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.