Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
Feeling fintastic.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.