Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
Hello Boo-tiful.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.