“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I think we need to become better strangers.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
How was Heaven when you left it?
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.