Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.

“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown

What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.

Shave a single shingle thin.

The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.

I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.

What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.

"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman

I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.

Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.

What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!

No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer

"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy

Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!

A few punny Wifi names you can use:

Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi

What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.

What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef

Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.

Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.

If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.

I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.

“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes

What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore

“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell

Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.

What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack

How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Butch.

Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.

It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.

What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee

What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin

I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.

What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.

Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make

Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.

Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.

Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.

(Joanna Davis)

What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.

A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.

Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.

What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.