Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
You make me want to Twist and Shout
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
Just brew it!
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.