What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.