What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
I hope I'm on your list of things to pick up today.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
I give roughing a whole new definition.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.