An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.

What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.

Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.

I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.

"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."

What is sticky and brown? A stick!

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"

“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns

Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.

Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.

I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"

I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.

How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.

If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.

A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry

Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Ima.

Ima who?

Ima horny, let's screw.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!

What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.

Will you be the perimeter to my world?

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.

How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.

In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!

Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.

What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.

I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...

"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!

Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!

Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.

You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.

"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda

The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".

What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.

As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!

Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.

What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.

My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?

What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.

I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.

Live to tell the tail.