There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
That’s a-may-zing!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.