Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
All things must grass.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
Know what? I dig you, really!
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!