What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
I can turn your software into hardware.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.