Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.