Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
Are you a red light because stop.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
Your good weed for the day.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.