What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.