What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.

We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.

Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.

I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.

(Anonymous)

I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.

Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.

What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.

I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.

Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.

“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes

A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"

"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy

Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.

England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."

Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.

Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.

What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!

How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.

What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”

What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla

Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.

Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.

Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?

Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.

How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.

What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.

How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.

My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.

What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.

You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.

Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?

They find them a drag.

How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.

What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel

Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.

Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica

What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.

Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.

“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous

Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.