When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
How about you and I form a binary system?
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.