Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.