The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
Eddie edited it.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!