"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.

What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp

While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.

Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.

He was delicious!!

(Shel Silverstein)

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster

What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous

Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.

I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'

I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.

What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.

“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi

Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.

Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.

What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.

Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.

“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe

How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle

Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.

I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.

What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”

- Erma Bombeck

Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.

I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.

Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.

“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan

What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.

"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman

I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.

I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.

The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.

How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.

What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.

What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”

What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.

I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus

Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side

Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.

I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray

I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!

I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal

I bet you I could stop gambling.

How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.

Have your elf a merry little Christmas.

Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.