What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
I’ll never fir-get.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!