I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
That’s a bit mulch.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”