What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.