Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
It's ice to meet you.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
Salty but sweet.