What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.