It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.