Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
I would give anything to be your personal item.
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.