I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
I'm the life of the paddy.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
Your name is insert name here?
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
By the seat of one’s punt
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."