What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
Did you know you look good in short pants?
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
That’s a-may-zing!
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.