When God made you, he was just showing off.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
I’m very frond of you.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."