Treat yo shelves.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Do you squat here often?
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
The only thing hotter than today is you.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
Up to snow good.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
I can score from multiple positions.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".