What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
That look soots you.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!