Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
Wow, you drive me Davi
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?