What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.

Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.

There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie

What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.

The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?

What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.

Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.

If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.

“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”

You must be glue because I am sticking with you.

“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets

How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb

I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”

Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?

One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.

Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.

Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”

Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.

Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?

To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.

Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.

Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.

What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!

In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.

You leave me Wonton more.

What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.

An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."

Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.

Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.

My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.

Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.

“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”

- Jarod Kintz

Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.

Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?

A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull

What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!