Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
"I lava you."
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
I want you more than I want world peace.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!