What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
You met all of my koala-fications
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
We have great chemis-tree.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.