A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!