I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Nice Ass-teroid.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
I want to stick to you like glucose.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
Beach you to it.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.