Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Irish I had better jokes.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I'm snow bored.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.