“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
French people give me the crepes.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.