Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
I’m browsing the winter-net.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.