How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
I love you berry much.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!