What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
Can we still share a netflix account?
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.