“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.