What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
You're my purr-son.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
I didn't know angels flew this low.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents