The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain

Leave poetry to the prose.

The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.

What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.

The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.

What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.

Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?

Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers.

What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!

I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant

Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!

I fence-y you.

What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!

What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.

RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.

Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.

I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.

Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!

What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!

Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.

What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.

Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.

Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.

“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx

I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.

What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”

What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.

"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."

What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.

Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?

Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.

Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous

Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!

What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"

Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”

- Erma Bombeck

He threw three free throws.

I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?

“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.

The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.