"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore

I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron

Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.

“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”

- Katherine Hepburn.

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.

What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.

Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock

Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.

Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.

All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.

What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate

Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.

What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?

It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.

What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.

You make my heart skip a beet.

“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”

Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.

Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.

You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.

What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.

What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!

Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.

Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!

Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.

What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!

You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer

My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'

What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.

Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks

I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.

What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.

what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin

Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!

What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.

I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.