There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.