Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
I'm fondue you, it's true
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.